Spring Cleaning

Happy Easter!!

I bring this photo to you as a gift. It’s pretty cute, right? Please note the socks with sandals! There was a little packet of seeds sewn in a plastic pocket on the leg of this outfit. I remember wanting to get it out soo freakin’ bad! My mom’s note about this picture “I was so worried about your ears”. Luckily, I now have a large head to match.

I’m spending Easter weekend with my family, which means I got to do some deep discount shopping at Gabriel Brothers (hello $4 cacique bra!), and a couple of slices of grape pie. Which reminds me…

During our visit to Pies n’ Pints (in Charleston) me and Josh were seated, he was facing in towards me and I was facing out. Our waitress who could only see my husband’s very curly hair, but not his face, says to us “Can I get you ladies something to drink?” I laughed hard, like hand clapping, tears streaming down my face  for a good five minutes. I’m laughing now as I type this. Bless him and his curly hair.

This morning I’m making a pineapple upside down cake, either using this recipe or this one. This cake always seems so kitschy, 1950’s to me, which is even more reason to make it!

Today I worked out a little personal “blogging manifesto”. I’ve had trouble blogging these past couple of weeks, a phase that I’ve encountered frequently in the past six years. Sometimes it means I’ve fallen off the ol’ wagon, while other times it just means I don’t know what to share. And lately it’s the latter. I’m doing good, very good in fact. Publicly announcing that I’m leaving obesity behind for my 30th birthday in a year is a lot of motivation for me. But sometimes I don’t know how to share my story.

And then I realized that it’s because I still struggle with my voice and letting it shine no matter what other people think. I get a lot of emails from people asking me about blogging and sometimes I just don’t feel like I can give that kind of advice. But, from experience, I would say more than anything, do what feels right for you, not what you feel like you should do.

I rarely get negative or preachy comments, but when I do they make me retreat. They sting because my blog is a part of me, and it reflects some small portion of who I am. If I showed everything, I don’t think I’d make it out alive. I’m sure I’d crawl in a hole and never come out again. What would people think if they knew I had an Arby’s sandwich on the road to WV? All that processed meat, white flour bun and *gasp* at a fast food restaurant!??!

What would they think if they knew that I work in my pajamas and spend the day designing right on my couch?  That I almost always have a sink full of dirty dishes? What will they say when I tell them that I never eat low-fat dairy?  And in fact, I find it completely offensive and disgusting? That occasionally I choose white over wheat pasta? Or that I sometimes put too many toppings on my frozen yogurt? What would be left when I showed the truth, that looks so similar to the truth of other people , especially when people were seeking a higher ground with me?

My blog is not a refuge or an escape. This is not the place for perfection or noble eating. I have no desire to “one-up” anyone with morals, ethical or clean eating. I try not to place my judgement on others, virtual or not because people and lives are more complex than any opinion I could ever dream up.

I write all of this to say that, I’m giving myself permission to be whoever it is I choose to be today. To celebrate that person, her life and all of the happiness it holds every day. And I hope you will too. I’m giving myself permission to share my life virtually (and in real life) regardless of the words others bring to my little space on the internet. Regardless of what I assume they are thinking, but usually aren’t. There is nothing you can say to me that I don’t already know about myself. No bits of wisdom that I haven’t already lost sleep over.

I won’t allow my blog to translate into my interactions with people in real-life, because the truth is, nobody is thinking that much about me. No one is losing sleep over my bad habits or inconsistencies. I’ve found myself heading down that path recently and it’s not pretty.

This life is just too damn short to make apologies to other people for living a full life or making a lot of mistakes. Am I wrong?

Anyway, that’s what the title “Spring Cleaning” means to me. Just celebrating my life and what I want to share and being proud of who I am and who I’m becoming. No apologies or justifications. My spring cleaning is about letting go of what I assume people are thinking about me. It’s about letting go of those who don’t want us to grow or change. Letting go of opinions or judgement.

I always like to say that there is no one I admire who hasn’t had negative words thrown at them. And I’m so thankful they kept going anyway. That they didn’t give up on their mission or fall off their path because someone called them out or stamped them with their opinion. We’ve all been on both sides.

Me Vs. The Lawn

You know, I kind of love the idea of exercise that gets something done in the process. And that’s why this year (after two years of living in this house) I’ve taken on our yard work as my new chore. Usually we just pay someone to keep up with the fast-growing grass, but it’s kind of expensive.  I have to tell you though that me and Josh are not “handy man” material. Computer people, yes, but not the do-it-yourself type.  I’m convinced that keeping up with the yard myself will help me with my weight loss goals. I don’t know many overweight landscapers or gardeners, do you?

Pushing this mower was hard work.

There is one big hill on our lot and its crazy steep. I chose the push mower for a few reasons, 1. its old school and I’m always nostalgic for times I never belonged to 2. it’s harder than a gas or riding mower 3. it’s cheaper 4. it’s easier. I honestly can’t imagine me and josh purchasing and storing gas. The thought of going to the gas station and putting gas in a container and then figuring out how to put it in the mower without the fear of blowing myself or the house up and then finding a place for it, is just not going to happen. 5. it’s better for the environment.

I did have the yard man do one round of mowing for me so that I could start fresh with short, easier to cut grass. I read a story recently  about a woman who stays in shape by push mowing her lawn for an hour every day. I can believe it. I looked up the calories burned and it’s anywhere from 450 per hour (for an “average” size person) and closer to 800 for me.

Not only will I be taking care of the grass, but I will be doing things like trimming these wild hedges. I’m not 100% sold on having bushes in front of the house, but I can’t think of anything better right now, and think they are fine for now.

My other project is building a new walkway in front of the house which I started digging out last night. Digging is hard work! And I used the old heavy step stones like weights, doing sets above my head several times.

This work makes me feel satisfied and happy in the strangest of ways. I love planning out my ideas for the yard and then getting my hands dirty and making them happen. This is such a foreign world to me. Growing up, my Dad took care of the yard and then after that I just lived in apartments where I had little more than a few potted plants.

Today, I’m planning a special trip to the local green house to get more plants! Pinterest is helping me gather my inspiration. Want to see?

My biggest inspiration is the yards I saw on the Venice Beach Canals in California. If you’ve ever been, you know what I’m talking about. It’s incredible what these people can do with a small space.

Click Photo For Source

 

Click Photo For Source

Click Photo For Source

Click Photo For Source

Of course, I don’t have the California weather to support most of these plants, but I’m  inspired by the arrangements more than anything. Ah, I will live there, if only for a month, once in my life! That would be a good time.

If you’d like to see more of my outdoor inspiration in pinterest, you can view them here and here.

The Rock in My Shoe

Oh joy of joys! Our closest Vietnamese restaurant is now serving grilled pork vermicelli! This is heaven in a bowl and I could eat it every single day. Sauce droplets on my shirt or not, this is my top 10 favorite things to eat.

Luckily, it’s right next to the Oasis World Market where I can stock up on my own vermicelli and drinks like Mr. Brown’s Macadamia Nut Coffee. I love date night/day! Which consisted of Vietnamese food, Target and Home Depot. Nothing says romance like a trip to Home Depot for stepping stones.

Gah! I used to hate going to Lowes with my dad, now I actually _want_ to go.

I have something else to share, but first…

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the comments on my last post. All of those words, and thoughtfulness are not lost on me. They are encouraging and confirm why I am still writing and sharing my life. We are not alone, is there anything more comforting than someone nodding along  and getting it?

I’m working desperately at letting the negativity roll off my back. Letting my skin firm up a bit. And stop waiting for other people to grant me permission to carry on. Why do I do that? It reminds me of this quote I read yesterday by Susan Satog,”Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager.”  I want to be more like that, to take the rock out of my shoe and stop waiting for someone to grant me permission and tell me I’m worth it.

So what does the photo of my dining room table have to do with this? It’s kind of the point.

So often there are things I want to do for myself, little pleasures that I find so satisfying and pleasing, yet I won’t do them. I hear these horrible thoughts on repeat: _you don’t deserve to sit and eat at a pretty table, what a waste of time, that seems really silly and insignificant, there are people starving and you are worried about a place setting?, etc. etc. etc._

And these thoughts are so frequent in my head, that I just don’t bother. I’m so consumed with what I assume others with think if I wear red lipstick, or paint my nails with glitter polish, or sit in the rain, or jog down the street, or eat a beautiful meal, or set a nice place setting, that I just don’t do it. And it’s me. No one else, just me. As if, my happiness is insignificant. Or that I don’t deserve to laugh and have a good time or enjoy myself in this short life.

What I know to be true is that by not doing, I’m serving no one. I’m not better to the world by leading a lesser life. To not take these opportunities that I have and my freedom and time, is such a waste. To sacrifice myself in a way that just doesn’t make sense because other people are worse off is helpful to who?

And worst of all, is when I indulge the fear that once I start doing all of these good and happy things, that’s when the bad stuff starts happening. That’s when the sky falls.

The fear that if I start making more money, or creating a healthy body, or live in a neat house…that’s when I will get cancer, or something terrible happens.

I do this in relationships more often than I should ever admit. I will push away as to say “I knew you wouldn’t like me anyway” as a way to prove to myself that I just don’t deserve to have people. I reject them before they can reject me. Before they can see just how flawed I really am. This happens over and over and over.

And the logic behind it is scary sad and backwards. That somehow living a less-than life is better than living my best life to prevent bad things from happening. And as I share this, I know how sad it is. I can feel it in my soul and tell myself, that this belief is so wrong in so many ways. But, to believe it, to feel the truth of what I know to be true enough to live it - that’s another story.

So while this may seem silly and material, taking time to make a place setting is a little-big deal to me. When I do these little things, to make effort to look nice, or shave my legs, or plant a bed of flowers…while it may look like this superficial or pointless action to some, at the heart of it for me, it is giving myself permission to enjoy and celebrate my life. To have a little happiness. Because the truth is, when it’s all said and done and I’m taking my last breath, no one will stand over me and thank me for not living my best life.

And that’s what being healthy looks like for me. It’s being self-aware and unapologetic. It’s being kind and giving myself full permission to say “yes I do deserve the effort”. I know that losing weight is calories in and calories out, it’s about eating less and moving more. That part is simple. The hard part is creating a new habit on the path of “I deserve better”. And that’s where my struggle has always nestled so comfortably. That is why I start and stop, try new things, read new books, do new DVDs, in hopes that they will convince me what I already know to be true: I’m worth the effort.

And by doing these other little happy things, like setting a place setting or making a nice dinner, I instill that belief even more. It becomes my reality.

Plant Bliss

I’m having these moments where ‘m realizing and truly understanding that I’m in control. Not everything that happens per say, but of how I react, what my days look like. I can choose my next move. It’s all up to me, not the day, not my location, not time, not money, not the weekend, not next month or next year or when I retire…

Before moving to Floyd I had this vision of what my life would be here. I would work from home, spend my days being creative, creating a nice home, belonging to a community, going to the farmer’s market and green house, planting flowers and a garden. Creating my own little world.

We knew our expenses would be minimal and could choose a different life for ourselves. A life that wouldn’t require a nine-to-five schedule, a gray office or a long commute. A life where most of our time was spent living rather than working for someone else. We didn’t want our best days to start at 5pm on Friday and end at 11pm on Sunday.

And for the most part that is happening, yet, not totally. I haven’t given myself total permission yet (see my previous posts) to dive into the lifestyle that I was craving. The lifestyle that made me want to leave the metro and city behind. I’ve been so worried, scared and fearful of what bliss and control would look like that I’ve only skimmed the surface.

I hear the familiar voices in my head saying… _what will people think? they will think I’m having way too much fun, that I’m not miserable enough, the I’m not responsible, or serious, or deserving of such a relaxed life. That I’m not contributing. That I’m lazy. That no one will get it or respect me. That I’m not legitimate or professional. _

That just needs to stop. Sometimes I have to say out loud, SHUT UP, WHO CARES! And then I get in the car and drive to the local garden center because I can. Because I choose to stop making excuses and worrying about who thinks it’s self-indulgent to take a break in the middle of the day to go flower and plant shopping. Who cares if I’m a plant killer or I don’t really _need_ plants to exist. But to live, I do.

One of my favorite quotes is by Mother Teresa…

People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten;
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I read this every single day. Because I want to be more like that. Do. It. Anyway.

Other stuff that is contributing to my sanity, gratitude and happiness lately? Less social media. I don’t get on twitter throughout the day anymore. I just can’t. It’s too much mind-clutter and I find myself frustrated with all those thoughts. They aren’t adding anything to my life. Less facebook, it’s the same. I go on, tell anyone who cares that I made a blog posts and I immediately log off. I worried that my online relationships would suffer, and perhaps they will, but I can’t worry about that.

Less email checking. I still check as soon as I wake up, but then I go away. I eat breakfast, alone, at the table or on the couch. No mouse in hand, not scrolling screens.

Being present. I never really understood this until recently. When I realized that my head space was consumed with worry, fears, thoughts, planning, on and on and on. I was spending time running words through my head, thoughts, and just plan craziness. And then I just decide in that moment to be there. It helps me to make a mental note of what I’m touching or smelling or physically feeling to help me zero in with the present. And once I’m there, all the mind clutter fades out.

More time outside. This morning I planted flowers, yesterday I mowed the lawn. The day before that I dug out a walkway. I need to be outside more than I ever thought. It clears my head and my heart.

I want my mornings to be spent with sweet basil and dirt.

And while a good chunk of my time is spent sitting in front of my laptop working, I like to know that I have these other foundations to keep me balanced. I believe that you can have your work, whatever it may be, and these pockets of bliss too. These moments when the TV, cellphone and computers are off and we do something just because it feels good. Because it makes us who we are.

*****

Yesterday I finished my day of eating with couscous and a salad for lunch, shrimp and vegetables (with homemade salsa and guacamole) for dinner and a drumstick ice cream for a treat. I was around 1,800 calories for the day and I did 35 minutes of push mowing and 45 minutes of walking/jogging for 2 miles. I burned 700 calories.

This morning I had a breakfast burrito with two scrambled eggs, salsa, and guacamole for 350 calories. Yum!